I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
