Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
