I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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