the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
