Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
