I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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