i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
