I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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