My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
