He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
