Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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