so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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