That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
