My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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