We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
