i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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