I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
