I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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