you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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