Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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