All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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