I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
