My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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