You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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