The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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