I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
