There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
