My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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