When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
