omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
