doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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