I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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