She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
