so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
