Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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