Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
