so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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