.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
