At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
