Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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