Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
