and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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