new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
