you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
