Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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