I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
