I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
