saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
