he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
