the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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