9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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