everyone is single if you try hard enough
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize