so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
