also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth