ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
